risotto

this is really a part 2 to the meatballs, because i used that broth for this. if you want to make risotto and not meatballs, you can make the broth from yesterday and blanch some chicken and pok in it, and then saute it with the mushroom mixture.

so this is based on a mushroom risotto rescipie by tylor florence. i feel i need to defend myself a bit here because i am feeling guilty. a bunch of the recipies i have used recently have been adaptations of work by others, this one somewhat slavishly. i usually do not work from rescipies, but i have been trying to push my cooking ability, and i have reached a point where doing things so my ideas come together requires learning how to make the food work for me on a chemical level.

risotto is a great case in point. though risottos often contain cheese, that is not really what makes them creamy, since the cheese used is parmesean, which has very low fat content. the creaminess of risotto comes from the starchy outer layers of the aborio rice cooking into the fatty broth. this creates a porridge consistency, much liek that found in oatmeal. for my money risotto ought to be in the poridge family, except it is not boiled in milk and so dosent count. I would say the italians found a way to acheive the porridge effect with less work and much less time.

at any rate, when working with a chemical process preportions become important. when one is very familiar with the components one can usually guess and get the prepotions right, but if one has not done a particular reaction before, instructions are usually a good way to go.

so, my adapted version of the tyler florence mushroom risotto. the origional can be seen here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/mushroom-risotto-recipe/index.html

4 cups broth from meatballs
2-3 leek greens

olive oil
1 onion, diced, seperated into 2 piles
garlic cloves, minced
whatever mushrooms you have on hand
2 bay leaves
dried thyme
dried parsley
2 tablespoons butter
Salt and pepper
2 cups Arborio rice
1/2 cup dry vermouth
1/2 cup grated low fat chedder
4 well bbqed keilbasa

place broth in a pot and put on a medium heat. using a slotted spoon or a skimmer, fish out all the chunks of king oyster mushroom, be sure to drain all the stock back into the pot, put aside. clean the leek greens, rouoghly chop, put into the broth. the rescipie calls for 8 cups broth, we only have 4 left from the meatballs. so addinig the leek greens will help us grow this into 8. simmer, and add 4 cups of water. after ten minutes adjust the salt and pepper.

meanwhile, take the oyster mushroom chunks. cut them down so no chunk is bigger than a centemeter or so.

Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add 1/2 onion and 1 clove garlic, cook, stirring, until translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the oyster mushrooms, herbs and butter. Saute for 3 to 5 minutes until lightly browned, season with salt and pepper. Drizzle in annother tablespoon of oil if it starts to get dry, then add whatever mushrooms you have on hand. i had maybe 1/4 cup of sliced normal mushrooms from the store that needed to get used up. Season again with salt and pepper. Saute 1 minute then remove from heat and set aside.

Coat a saucepan with 2 tablespoons of oil. Saute the remaining 1/2 onion and garlic clove. Add the rice and stir quickly until it is well-coated and opaque, 1 minute. This step cooks the starchy coating and prevents the grains from sticking. Stir in vermouth and cook until it is nearly all evaporated.

Now, with a ladle, add 1 cup of the warm broth and cook, stirring, until the rice has absorbed the liquid. Add the remaining broth, 1 cup at a time. Continue to cook and stir, allowing the rice to absorb each addition of broth before adding more. The risotto should be slightly firm and creamy, not mushy. Transfer the mushrooms to the rice mixture. Stir in Parmesan cheese, cook briefly until melted.
this part will be hard. i have a local pork farmer who has a stand at the local farmers market. he makes the best frikkin keilbasa, it rules on the grill. i had bbqed it up the previous day, but was too full to eat it. i cubed them by cutting them into four strips, then slicing into centemeter cubes such that each peice has some nice, crunchy casings. as the risotto finishes up, toss in the keilbasa chunks.

if the risotto isnt quite done to your liking, you can add more water, a bit at a time, to get the rice more tender.

eat that shit with a spoon, it goes great with some franks.

put my balls in your mouth

so meat balls. there are a dozen ways to do them, i kinda mixed two and it was alright. used alton brown's take on sweedish meatballs as a baseline but i like my balls simmered in a stock to add flavor. i think it worked out ok, but simmered meat needs a sauce because it can dissolve the fats, and the gravy i made from this was just alright. ON THE OTHER HAND, the stock that resulted from this made an awesome risotto. if my lunch break has time i will post both.

so meatballs

ground chicken

ground pork

three king oyster mushrooms

clementines

manishevets blackberry wine

2 slices wheat bread

an onion

1/4 cup milk

• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 egg yokes
• bread crumbs and corn meal
• penis in yo face
• 2 bottles ipa
• some flour
• 
  
• get a big honkin pot
• cut the mushrooms into good bite size chunks and throw them in there with some butter, half the onion, and garlic.
• saute that shit till browning happens. when it does, throw in the beer, squeeze in a few clementines, add a good half cup to a cup of the wine, and top it up with water after it starts to boil. i had a lot of trouble getting a good, flavorful broth here. if id thought about it i probably would have tried to use the ve-gan stock from the other day, but i didnt have leeks in the house, so fuck me. anyway, anything you can think of that would go well, add it. i think this actually worked pretty well at the end of the day. simmer it for a good 20 mins, then add some pepper to taste, and a decent amount of salt. my trick is to keep adding salt until all the flavors start to pop. most stocks go for the seawater rule, but i think thats kind of overkill. leave simmering.
• 
  
• rip up the bread and soak it in the milk
• saute the other half onion till its softish, like the democrats on foreign policy
• in a big fucking bowl put the meats, the onion, the egg yolks, the bread mixture, the spices, then mix that shit together. if you have a stand mixer, now would be a good time to bring that out. if not, use a spoon, or get in there with your hands. just up to your elbows in fucking meat.
• 
  
• when everything is mixed well, its time to cook this shit. be sure you have a slotted spoon or frying skimmer handy.
• form the balls into like two inch rounds. you can make them smaller, but this is what i did. as each ball is formed, just gently float it into the stock. when it starts to get a bit crowded in the pot, stop making balls, and wait like five minutes.
• 
  
• here is where i ran into real trouble.
• my balls were still a bit raw when i first pulled them out, so i put them on a cookie sheet. i had to do a few batches to fill the cookie sheet, by which time the first batch had finished cooking internally whilst resting. still, i didn't really have a sauce prepared, so i decided to roast them a bit to get some gravy. this is kind of ass backwards in retrospect. really what i did was roast out he juice from the balls, make them into a sauce, and put them back on top. this is silly. fucking silly. just plain dumb. i should have just made a separate sauce. alas.
• 
  
• so once i had them on the pan, i sprinkled them with the breadcrumbs and corn meal, then roaste them for maybe five minutes under the broiler. pulled them out, transferred the balls to a plate, put the pan on the stove, and opened a beer. using a ladle i splashed some of the broth into the pan, and then a little manichevetz and maybe a quarter cup of my beer. the rest i drank.
• 
  
• using a spatula i deglazed the pan, then i added some pepper, and started sprinkling flower in. gravy is basically a roux, and like with roux you need to let the mixture toast to get rid of the bready flavor. so just let it simmer a bit until it cooks down to a thick paste, but keep it moving with a spatula so it dosent stick. when it starts to stick and/ or changes color, add more broth. then let it cook down a bit, then add more broth, keep doing this till you have a fair amount of gravy at a good consistency. put in a bowl. drink it with a straw.
• 
  
• so that's quite a bit actually! I'll talk about he risotto tommorow.

meatloaf!

meatloaf. when it is not done well and you are not in the mood meatloaf can be completely gross. when well made and you want it, then you fucking WANT IT. SEX JOKE OF SOME KIND.

this is vaguely based on something I saw on Diners Drive Ins and Dives. but not very well. I used a blend of pork, turkey, and beef for this. Basically cos i saw it on the show. This has advantages, but means you cannot have it rare in the center, which is the preference of my special lady friend. personally I had never seen rare meatloaf before, so take that for what its worth.

cooking the way i am going to describe has the advantage of a great, all around crust, lots of drippings for gravy, but will dry out the meat. so this is good for great sandwich meatloaf, but if you are in the mood for classic meatloaf maybe stick to a loaf pan.

1 package each of ground beef, turkey, pork.
1 onion
garlic
4-5 mushrooms
1-2 carrots
celery with a lot of leafy bits
breadcrumbs
cornmeal
worchestershire sauce
honey
1 bottle IPA (thanks rob)
flour
1 egg

so clean the veggies, and toss them in the food processor and cut the shit out of them. toss them in a big mixing bowl with the meat and the egg. alton brown advises not squeezing the meat, but i didnt see that eppisode yet so i dont know why. i tried to just carefully fold everything together. if you have a stand mixer this will be easier. I do not own one.

*weeps in the corner*

mix equal parts bread crumbs, corn meal, and salt and pepper to taste.

when well blended, place meat into a loaf pan, coat the top with the breadcrumb mixture. then turn out onto a cookie sheet that has been nonsticked in some way. I was advised to use parchment, which worked on in terms of nonsticking the meat, but then i had this big peice of parchement floating in my gravy drippins. no im not in love with it, but i havent tried oiling yet so i cant attest to how well it works.

oh you should probably preheat to 350 or so.

anyway, i ended up not being able to get all my meat in the loaf pan, so after i turned it out i packed the leavings towards one end then tried to kind of cinch it onto the main loaf. this didnt work overly well.

once the loaf is on the pan, sprinkle the breadcrumbs all over the loaf. tilt the pan to get it on the sides if you need to, but try not to roll the loaf. it should be fine. once it is coated, drizzle the top with whorcestershire sauce and honey. the more honey you use the more carmelization you'll get, so dont be shy.

my rescipie said to bake for an hour, but i had to do an hour and a half or so. cince this has poultry in it, you'll want the internal temp to reach 160. if you have a reliable probe thermometer, use that. mine was kind of crap. I may have left it in too long since i was not pleased with my thermometers. if you are pretty sure it is at 160 you can maybe pull it out and let it rest, since the internal temp will continue to rise and finish cooking any remaining pinkness. this might avoid drying it out.

once it is out, move the loaf to a serving diosh and let it rest. take your baking sheet to the stove. if you have two burners that can be joined use them, this is where they shine. put the pan on the stove top, add flour a bit at a time to thicken the gravy. when it starts all sizzling like a pancake, let it toast a bit, then add the beer. i like peppery gravy, the time for that is now.

serve to your family, or eat it alone and muse on the fact that you made enough food to feed a somali villiage for a month.

how fun is this posting two days in a row shit? firewall is down at work, so i can do this now. sweeet.

tomatoless veggie broth

Back when my fiance friday was one of them vee-gans i would have problems when I made soup. My problem was that both of us love soup, so I liked making it, but the veggie stocks on the market were unacceptable for most recipes. It wasn't really a flavor issue, in most recipes chicken stock and veggie stock are basically equivalent since all you really want from stock is richness and salt content, and usually just the salt. the issue was that most commercial stocks use tomatoes as a shortcut to flavor.

Now, I like tomatoes, and I even like tomato soup, but I do not like tomato in everything and my way hetero lady-friend is allergic to cooked tomatoes. Even were she not, the tang of tomato is no replacement for the richness of chicken. This ubiquitous use of the reddest member of the nightshade family kind of makes me want to go on a rant about the homogenization of american culture. there are many, many good veggies out there. none are available as the base of a stock. could i get a mushroom stock up in here maybe? or celery! celery is nice, and it is in fact what differentiates boiled chicken water from chicken soup (along with salt and your mother's love, which they bottle now). So i set out to create a good, veg-an stock that wouldn't taste like a lemon or kill anyone I am fond of.

I failed pretty badly.

again, not because there aren't great veggies out there! but concocting a perfect stock from numerous ingredients is very tricky. I had a couple minor successes but nothing that was perfect or even got near that term, until this weekend.

Yes this weekend, after years of effort, I stumbled on the perfect veggie stock, completely by mistake, as a side dish, and whilst barely paying attention. I also fucked up the dish it went into for other reasons, so that was fun. also? My wife-of-the-future is no longer fueled only by vegetables, and has been enjoying real chicken stock for several years now quite happily. so fuck.

anyway, here it is. it is absurdly simple, just go easy on the pepper.

the green parts of 2 leeks

3-4 cabbage leaves

handful or so of spinach

a bunch of water?

salt and pepper to taste

getcha self a big old pot (not like a stock pot. pasta pot? a big one) and fill with water. toss in the leeks and simmer for a half hour or so. cut up the cabbage to bite size pieces, throw that in there. simmer for fifteen or so. throw in the spinach. simmer a bit. be generous with the salt if you are going to use this to flavor other things. be careful with the pepper. i kind of overdid it.

and that's about it. for a richer broth, brown the cabbage and an onion in a few tablespoons of butter, if you don't mind dairy. As you enjoy the broth, contemplate the HOURS. you spent building the broth for that vegan matzo ball soup that FAILED.

FAILED.

miscilanii

The storied miscelenii were a ferocious latin kingdom that hung around battles, running in random paths, fighting anyone the came across. i am, of course, lying. im just gonna post some of my favorite quick meals of the last week or two, followed by a decidedly not quick one.

vietnamese/ japanese influenced bowl o fun.

cup of mini bowties

pepper

rosemary

chives

three romaine leaves

one tomato

one egg

olive oil

there are many ways to eat this dish. so take this arrangement as more of a suggestion.

make the pasta as you see fit, but if it isn't al dente you are wrong. drain.

fry the egg.

cut the veggies to bite size or smaller.

get a decent size bowl, put down the veggies at the bottom, followed by the pasta. dust with the spices, drizzle with olive oil. top with the egg. get your fork. break the yolk down into the pasta, cut up the egg, and stir that shit up. eat it. eat it fast. enjoy the goupy, protein filled goodness. slurp it down. SLURP IT!

Lox Omelette

one small baked potato

three eggs

one slice provolone

fresh spinach

lox

buttah.

tear or cut the provolone as small as you have the patience for.

beat the eggs, tip the provolone into the eggs.

heat a small pan.

with a sharp, serrated knife, slice the baked potato into discs.

put the buttah into the pan, once its melted throw in the egg provolone mix.

out a layer of the potato on top of the eggs, followed by a layer of spinach, and a layer of lox.

after its cooked for a bit. fold, cook for a bit, and turn.

enjoy!

Grilled Chicken Skewer Oatmeal

whole mess of chicken breasts

olive oil

red wine vinegar

soy sauce

garlic

whiskey

Oatmeal

hummos OR pesto

grill

skewer

invite your friends over

cube the chicken into 1 inch cubes

marinate in a bag with 1/2 cup olive oil

1/4 cup each of soy sauce, whiskey, and vinegar

as much garlic as you care for.

after an hour or so, start the coal. skewer the chicken cubes.

when the coal is read, cook the chicken. i dunno. a minute or so per side? make sure its done.

feed your friends, drink the rest of the whiskey, wake up and curse god.

make the oatmeal. look in the fridge. do you have hummos or pesto? whichever you have, put two spoonfulls into the oatmeal when its done. toss in the leftover chicken. mix it up. eat it. find a reason to continue living.

Pumpkin Filled, Baked Ravioli

I wanted to do something with pumpkin cos of the time of year. i love ravioli. i was a bit scared of boiling them, given some....mishaps. my initial attempt was a bit dry, so here is try 2.

are you a man? DO YOU HAVE BALLS? if so use this for the dough: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/ravioli-dough-recipe/index.html except that i did half normal flour, half semolina.

1 large pumpkin

salt and pepper

a nutty cheese. a good romano might work, i used a cheese i picked up in upstate ny that was a bit more flavorful and less salty.

onion

milk

italian bread crumbs

oregano

chili powder

garlic powder

paprika

pepper

cloves

split the pumpkin in half, remove the guts, toast the seeds, eat like popcorn whilst watching porn. roast the pumpkin at 375 for 45 minutes. scoop out the meat. make the pasta. saute the onion, add a cup of the pumpkin puree. turn off the heat.

i cant claim to know the proper way to stuff ravioli. if you have insight, do it your way. i used a cup to cut discs from the pasta sheets, then wetted my fingers with water, wetted one of the discs, stuffed another of them with a teaspoon of pumpkin, top with a half inch square of cheese, press the whetted one ontop of the one with the stuffing, press down the edges with a fork. do all the ravioli. in the butt.

get a steamer. spray the part the food sits in with pam. boil the water. put down a layer of raviolis. steam the raviolis till the pasta is done. repeat until all the ravioli is steamed.

get a bowl, and mix a half cup of Italian bread crumbs, teaspoon each of chili, paprika, pepper, oregano, rosemary. half teaspoon garlic, quarter teaspoon of cloves. blend with a fork. in a separate bowl, pour milk.

dredge the ravioli in the milk, then cover in bread crumbs, then place in a greased cookie sheet. bake 375 until golden.

with the remains of the pumpkin, just eat that shit with a fork. if you are a boring son of a bitch, eat with butter and salt and pepper.

and thats that, bitches.

bbq

Today is the BBQ. I am cooking basically for me. My mom, my way hetero life partner, and two of our friends will be enjoying the food, but everyone has places to be and things to do. I don’t mind, ill be happy if people enjoy the food. I’m currently writing as the coals warm, drinking a bottle of my favorite beer (Old Brown Dog by Smutty Nose Brewery) as my dog sniffs around the yard and London Calling plays on the boom box. Something about a post-apocalyptic extravaganza is totally sitting right with me at the moment. The weather is perfect, on the cool side, and sunny. I might move the party to the hammock in a bit, though that would make it impossible to read lappy's screen.

As mentioned, my friends Jay and Sarah are working today. That is hella lame, to be laboring on labor day. As a consolation I will be bringing them some delicious food. In the case of Jay this presents me with certain problems. Jay is not a picky eater, but is a man who knows what he likes. At my last BBQ I knocked one out of the park by making a burger to which he expressed special devotion. A simple burger, it nonetheless made extensive use of garlic, and other ingredients that added up to a delicious whole. That is basically all i remember of the recipe. This is a problem. I want to repeat this success, but due to my habit of not writing my recipes down I forget almost all the ingredients. This is not the first time this has happened, but I'm hoping to make it the last by finally utilizing this blog. So then, concurrent with my sausage saga, I will begin The Quest to Grill the Perfect Burger (Jay Edition). Cheese! He likes cheese. I'll go slice some mozzarella.

Back.

Another long standing issue I have is how to properly utilize the veggies I grill. I love grilling veggies but I always pile so much onto my grilling agenda as to have no time to do anything but, and grilled veggie, while delicious, are not a dish unto themselves. this time I am only making sausages, burgers, and veggies, so I could attend to some veggie deliciousness. I'm still not really sure what to do. One issue is that my gal Friday dislikes the main veggie on offer: eggplant. I certainly understand her reasoning. Eggplant is a very bizarre and slimy creature, more like bread and less like a plant. As a chef I do not believe in forcing people to eat what they do not desire. On the other hand, it makes me not over eager to try the dill, grilled eggplant linguini dish that is eating at the back of my mind. I feel that everyone I cook for should be provided with a full meal, so I would have to make another veggie dish anyway. For today I think salad is going to be the main veggie axe, which people may top as they please. I would love to make the linguini tomorrow, but there are already plans, and Wednesday begins the high holy days for us chosen people, meaning Thursday would be the first day I could do this without undue stress. Still, grilled eggplant keeps. Its not like its going to get MORE slimy.

Anyway, my recipes. This is the one I am using for the eggplant. My only variation is that i am using three medium sized white eggplants rather than the large purple one called for here. As a result, I doubled the recipe, and added lemon pepper because it is good. http://southernfood.about.com/od/grillfruitveggie/r/bl30627e.htm

I had two issues with this recipe. First, the oil and the vinegar separate very fast. I know this isn’t rocket science, but I ended up with half very vinegary eggplants and half very oily eggplants. If possible have someone keep stirring for you whilst you baste. second, if you are actually a good person and use a coal grill, and if you follow the recipe’s directions and use glowing coals, do more like 5 minutes a side or you will end up with charcoal. Its not the end of the world, burned eggplant is tasty, but not really what you go for when you cook.

For the zucchini and mushrooms I marinated them in olive oil, red wine vinegar, lemon pepper, salt. I topped it up with water till they were submerged in the plastic bag. I was originally going to cook them on skewers, but the string beans I was planning on grilling in my classic manner turned out to be bad. I was somewhat disappointed in this outcome, and decided to switch to a similar method for the zucchini and mushrooms. In this vein I cut them into thin slices. After the eggplant were done, I put two tablespoons of garlic and butter in a cast iron pan which I put on the grill to heat up. Once it was hot I threw in the zucchini and mushroom combo. This you can let sit a while. The water from the marinade will take a while to cook off. Actually a long while. Leave out water if you can.

For the burger I took a well marbled boneless steak and ground it with two tablespoons of minced garlic. I grilled till it looked done, and when I flipped it i topped it with shredded mozzarella. For the sausage I made relatively small patties, and cooked them well. This was a mistake. I did it this way due to fears of disease, but that was ill founded. I did the grinding myself, and the pork was very fresh. I found the patties flavorful but a bit dry. Next time i will not overcook them. Mom called the result bacon-y. I can definitely see where she's coming from. I’ll also definitely want to increase the seasonings, including the fennel. The salt was a little overpowering, though maybe that is just because the fat was cooked off.

sausages 2: the en-longing

Today I learned two valuable lessons: Ignore Alton Brown at your own peril, and there is no way to write a blog entry about sausage packing without being heavy on the sexual innuendo. So just to get it all out of our systems, go look at this clip.

As for the former lesson. Today I made another attempt at making sausage. Since last we spoke on this subject I viewed the sausage episode of Good Eats, one of Alton Brown's Food Network programs. The fortuitous viewing of this program contributed greatly to directing my current effort at encased meat production. His two recipes from the show can be found here and here. My recipe is something of a blend of the two.

The program also reinforced two lessons from my last attempt. 1: I need to use more fat. 2: I need a meat grinder. In remedying the first lesson Alton helpfully directed me to his favorite cut of pork for the purpose of sausaging, the shoulder, noting that it has a proportion of fat that is right in the sweet spot for sausage making, namely 20%. Alton added fat on top of this in one instance, but I'm trying to be relatively healthy, so I'm sticking with the naturally occuring fat in the shoulder. I was able to find such a cut at the local shopright, but stupidly forgot the proper name (it is also called Boston Butt) and let slide some fine boneless cuts last night. Today I returned to the meat department to find a plethora of store made sausages and a solitary, bone in, package of shoulder meat.

There is no finer way to learn to appreciate the job butchers do that to attempt to de-bone something, especially something as irregularly shaped as a shoulder. I am not burdened with the horror of raw meat some people feel, on the contrary being rather fascinated by it, but it is a huge pain in the ass to cut meat from a round joint with a straight knife. It is easier on strait bones, but not buy much.

The second lesson of brown was one I chose to ignore. I am strapped for cash at the moment, having just purchased a shit ton of text books for a large sum. I have found a 20$ grinder on Amazon, but given the delayed gratification of online shipping I could not bring myself to drop the cash. In my previous attempt my issue with the lack of a grinder came down to the consistency of the meat, which was also Mr. Brown's main complaint. Deciding I would rather have some tasty but mealy sausages than none at all, I decided to forge ahead with the food processor and pastry bag method I attempted previously.

So then to the attempt. I altered Alton's arangement based on comments on the rescipie's website (that it was not seasoned enough) and on the availability of fresh herbs. As I have rosemary and parseley growing in the garden, I decided to throw it in. As I very much enjoy sage in sausages, I decided to buy a box at the grocery. I dare you to tell me I was wrong. I had also bought some scallions. I decided to throw some in. I like scallions. They were handy. Fuck you.

sausages

1.5 tsp fennel seed, toasted and ground

2 tb chopped parsley

3 tb rosemary

4 tb sage

2 scallions

1.5 tsp pepper

1 tb garlic minced

2.5 lb pork shoulder

5 ft of pork casing, soaked 1/2 hour before use.

The fennel I did first. I dry toasted it in a pan for five minutes, as recommended by Mr. Brown, and then ground it in my gal Friday’s much abused coffee grinder. The grinder is intended for her flax seed, and other more mild aromatics, but certain of my relatives keep grinding coffee in it. I doubt my grinding of toasted fennel seed was much help. I’m sorry baby; ill buy you a new one after we move. Buying you one now would just see another grinder polluted by my relatives. After grinding and heartfelt guilt, the fennel was placed in a large bowl with the garlic and pepper.

After I acquired, washed, and chopped the herbs, these were also placed in the bowl with the garlic. Once the meat was deboned, I chopped it into pieces as small as I had the patience to create, at least an inch or less, and then threw it into the bowl. Finally, I spread the salt over the meat, and then mixed it all together by hand so the herbs and spices coated the meat. I then covered the bowl securely with plastic wrap, such that there were no vents to the outside, and placed in the fridge. My fridge has smelled poorly recently, and I didn’t want the sausage contaminated by bad smells. The point of the refrigeration is to cool the fat and allow it to take the flavors of the spices. Letting it get infected with the refrigerator smell would be counter productive. I let it rest for several hours, but one should be sufficient.

Then the destruction began.

I ground the meat very, very thoroughly in the food processor. I thought it came out well. It reminded me of dough. I think if I ever make meatloaf in the future I will use this method rather than a meat grinder. I may even be able to make meat hamentashen. That would be funny. Ha. I am enjoying that joke. But seriously. It was like dough. It was kinda gross.

I proceeded to stuff my dough meat into my meat pastry bag. I carefully did prep work on my casings, running water through the full length and tying off one end. As pastry bags are not made for sausage casings, the usual method of forcing meat out into the casing, like rolling a condom onto my erect penis (or pushing my erect penis into a rolled condom which is being held in place over a tube…), was not workable. I could not bunch the casing onto the pastry bag due to its rapid growth in size. Instead I had to hold one end onto the bag and force the meat into the casing. This was hard to do, so I would try to work the meat down the casing, away from the bag. Much like trying to force my erect penis into a used condom I found by the side of the road. not that that ever happened. Just hypothetically. That would be hard. Or like, putting it into a candy wrapper using only rainwater for lube. That sucks. amirite? Not that I’ve done that. That would be hella weird.

I was just musing on how long this was going to take, and how much my wrists and feet already hurt, and how I had two pounds of meat and five feet of casing to work with the meat wasn’t even near the end yet, when i first burst the casing. I paused. One fears this when working casing this way but it had ended up not being an issue last time. I found I could work the meat past the hole if I squeezed it hard enough. I continued to work the meat down the casing, and began to plan a contingency of tying off in the middle and working the meat in from both ends. Then the second hole appeared. And the third. I attempted to tie off, and created a fourth. This is when I gave up.

The sausages at tomorrows’ bbq will be patty style, and after this I will go ahead and order the meat grinder. it is just way too much of a pain int he ass to work the meat into the casing. Simply not practical. This is lame, because grinders are kind of expensive, and somewhat specialized. On the other hand, the one I have my eye on can also be used for pasta making. After I finally make a successful sausage, you may all be subject to the pasta series. So, don’t you go enjoying life yet.