In high school I got over my loathing of diners based on a realization that, at any given establishment, you should order what they are good at and not what they think they are good at. this epiphany was aided by my increasingly nocturnal habits, and the fact that at 2am on a Tuesday the only place to go was Dunkin Doughnuts or a diner. In this process the above diners had little part. they were not open 24 hours, and as such remained the home of the elderly and the perpetual trucker. At some point they were remodeled as part of an area-wide arms race that sought to take advantage of the golden place diners hold in New Jersey cuisine. essentially, the diners were gentrified.
The full gentrification of diners is a topic for another day: as with all gentrification discussions it is complex and this story has more than enough to discuss on its own. What is important to note is that gentrification takes capital and capital in the restaurant business, especially in New Jersey, has only a few sources. apparently the owner of the Seville ended up somewhat entangled in debt to these sources, some of whom owed favors to the owner of the Colonial. the exact nature of the transaction is unclear, though it is rumored that the owner of Seville owed money directly to the owner of the Colonial. What is known definitely is that, in broad daylight, the owned of the Seville was gunned down in his business' parking lot in a crime that produced no witnesses.
In the wake of the above Seville has emerged as a very nice diner, as has the Colonial. they none the less remain diners. i have not had anything bad in either place since the remodeling, and yet i remain wary, the lesson of the congealed Alfredo sauce still haunting me to this day. So when, this evening, my eye alighted on something in the house specialty section entitled "Chinese Pork Sandwich" i knew full well that i would never order it. I read the description anyway.
"Chinese Pork Sandwich: Chinese Pork on Garlic Bread with lettuce and tomato, served with fires."
I was incredulous. Who said this was ok? who let the chef out of his cage? this had to be the nastiest sounding thing ever. I imagined the typical diner garlic bread, soaked with enough butter to make Paula Dean oink with delight, stuffed with some kind of greasy asian pork stir fry disaster, finished with veggies wilted by the heat of the grease. I imagined myself trying to choke this down, the grease dribbling down my throat, the flavors praying for death in my mouth. it sounded awful, but it sounded so awful i had to try it. I was very hungry, and was really in the mood for a burger, but as soon as i pictured the horror that this sandwich was sure to be, i knew i had to try it. It was too insane. There had to be an angle on this i was missing. As a man who makes insane sounding dished with a regularity that drives friends away and makes relatives bow their heads with shame i knew that it was my sacred duty to try this, if for no other reason than as a warning to others. my image would go down in the annals of greasy spoon lore. "Dude! look at this! it looks terrible!" "oh yeah, it is. This guy I know from work tried it, said it was like being orally raped by a 400 lb Texan."
The first thing you need to know about this sandwich is that the pork is that pink pork stuff you get in lo mein or in bowls of ramen. This was immediately better than what I had been expecting. It also came with duck sauce. This was...unexpected as well. Being game, i went for it. I put the duck sauce on the pork slices (3 large ones) and then arranged the veggies, before placing the bread on the top and pressing down. I raised the sandwich to my mouth, and took a good bite. The following few minutes can best be described as carnage, as i destroyed that sandwich with prejudice. The bread was crunch on the outside, the pork was sweet and faintly salty. the veggies were fresh. I did not notice the grease of the garlic bread, which was a great relief.
Part of this may be that i was very hungry going into this meal. But this was, i think, a surprisingly good sandwich, and definitely original. Most diner food is unsubtle. The best diner food is a well made combination of simple experiences. This sandwich was surprisingly subtle, with interplay of the honey notes of the duck sauce and the salty notes of the pork was remarkably restrained, while the garlic bread gave the dish a remarkable sandwichey-ness. the bread was crunchy at the crust, and soft in the middle. It may have been because this sandwich lacked cheese, but somehow the oilyness i usually associate with commercial garlic bread was only presently in a charmingly moist sandwich.
I'm still not sure i forgive diners for that Alfredo, and diner gentrification is a topic that remains unresolved, but i was happy with my meal and i will say it was definitely pretty good.
before i sign off for the night, I should like to point out i will never be giving any food a number of stars. I only just decided, but i have decided that that is lame. take that, America. You will have to make your decisions based on my arguments and descriptions, and not based on an artificial rating system! booyah!
Ok, gnight losers.
Evil Tom
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