Evelyn’s Drive In

Evelyn’s Drive In is a wonderful local favorite in Tiverton, RI. If you've never been to Tiverton, you are not alone. The only reason to go to Tiverton is to get to Newport from Boston, or to go to even more obscure towns to the south. The little lady and I happened to be passing through on the way to Little Compton, a town whose main attraction is some lovely sea shore and the fact that it is called Little Compton.
As we passed Evelyn’s we saw all the key signs of an amazing local institution: tiny, ramshackle building, sprawling outdoor seating areas, right by the water, and with a massive, clearly local clientele. In some other entry I will come back to this list, because people seem unclear, but for now let’s focus on Evelyn’s in particular. As we swung by I said “that’s a place to go” and the wife agreed, but as we had just eaten we drove on.

Little Compton is a charming little place in a state full of charming little places. The seaside views are spectacular, completely breathtaking, but as it has a population of only 3,492 and no tourist industry to speak of it lacks certain amenities. As far as we could tell the only restaurant was a single pizza place in the town center. The pizza place looked fine, but we came to the sea to get seafood, and since it seemed a 50/50 shot that such an establishment would be closed at 7:30 on a Saturday in Little Compton, our minds were drawn inevitably back to the siren call of that drive in by the bay that we had passed in Tiverton. We Embarked. 

Everything about Evelyn’s was as expected. A polite and numerous waitstaff, a local clientele that had filled the place to capacity on our first drive by but had died back by 8, and a focus on seafood. As we began to peruse our menus I noted with some growing discomfort, however, a general gloss about the place, as if a few years previously someone had done the place up for a mass market. The food seemed solid, simple, seaside fare, so we ordered a round of clam cakes and fried pickles spent some time wrestling with our options. Then I saw him.

There he was, on the bottom of the menu. His puffy face, spikey hair, stupid, vacant, good time grin. We had stumbled into a restaurant featured by Guy FUCKING Fieri on Diners Drive Ins and Dives.
My relationship with this show is…complex. I love greasy spoons. Obviously, I have a whole system for recognizing good ones of various types. And here is a show whose whole basis is recognizing and celebrating such establishments! Not corporate bullshit ones either, and if some hipster venues make it in by far the favorites are the family run places with history. I love the concept, I love the restaurants chosen, and I will even say I love the show. If you've gotten me drunk first.

Buy Guy Fieri is a fucking joke and he knows it. Nothing about his persona is genuine and everything about it is fucking annoying. Whats worse is everyone knows it, and somehow, in our fucking twisted, Kardasian focused world, a food network celebrity whose only personality trait is that they want to make you stab yourself is a person everyone wants fucking more of. He’s been so successful that the Food Network has given him multiple show, each more vapid than the last, and fired his producers, the ones who had actually started the show and selected the restaurants, in order to bring in new producers who would go along with Fieri’s vision of refocusing the show on how much of his own cock he can cram into his own throat. I hear next season is going to feature a story arc where he goes on a quest to nibble his own taint.

So I see his fucking dipshit grin on the menu and the episode immediately floods into my skull like a bunch of tourists onto a hitherto secluded beach. The focus of the episode was a dish called American Chow Mein. And there it was, right on the fucking menu. Staring at me like a dead bird.

The description of this dish is “Brown gravy on top of crunchy noodles.” You can get it with beef, chicken, or lobster. I was…dubious. But then the clam cakes came. If you’ve never had fresh New England Clam Cakes, ideally from a road side shack, you need to. They are kind of like hushpuppies, but with less corn and more clams. Simply put they are a slice of heaven if you like seafood at all, and these were some of the best I have had. The exterior was crunchy and salty and the interior was luscious and sweet, but with a good clam flavor, whispering in the background, like a beautiful girl upon whose luscious bosom you find yourself resting your head as she gently caresses your hair. They come with tartar sauce, which is a very good tartar sauce, and there is a nice malt vinegar on the table. Both are nice, but it’s almost like putting leather seats in a strip club. Who cares about the seats. I’m here for hot clams. I should also note that the pickles were amazing. Probably the best I've had.

So I am in a good mood. Maybe old spikehead is on to something. After all the American Chow Mein and Chop Suey phenomenon is a part of 50s American culture, the very period that gave rise to establishments like Evelyn’s. Maybe they were doing their part in preserving a lost piece of Americana. Not that Dick Furry discussed that at all. Anyway the good stuff was maybe a bit pricey, and anyway the wife was going to get something else. It was my duty as a curious eater to try, to see what lies down this rabbit hole and report back to the letcherous pederast who sent me down.
“I Will!” I said to the waitress, “I will follow the white rabbit of the food network down to the wonderland that is American Chow Mein.” She made a face, and asked what kind I wanted.
“What do you recommend?” I replied, somewhat worried by her expression.
“I don’t really like it my…well he had- I mean when Guy Fieri came he had the Lobster. There is also beef and chicken.” I knew I was in for an experience. I ordered the beef, as it was half the price of the lobster and I am a cheap, cheap man. Also the concept of Lobster in a brown gravy seemed to be taking an already odd dish to absurd extremes. Though in retrospect if I was making Alice in Wonderland analogies to justify my food choices more weird was probably not a deal breaker.

When it came out it was everything the menu advertised. Chunks of cube stake perched proudly top pieces of onion and celery in a brown sauce that was actively sinking into crispy noodles. Yes, those crispy noodles, the tiny, thin, fried noodles you get while you are waiting for your food at middle of the road Chinese restaurants. The ones the cheap ones stopped handing out ten years ago and the good ones wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, preferring those wonderful, wide, flaky ones with lots of bubbles.

It was an experience. These foods are a key part of Americana lost, and Evelyn’s probably does as fine a job as any you will ever find. The gravy is amazing; it tastes strongly of the onions and the celery, but with a good beef flavor; a bold, vegetable/beef experience. The cube stake is juicy and tender, but is not falling apart and has a good beef flavor.

But the dish sucks. There’s a reason these things went away, and it is because they gave me a massive bowl of the best gravy I’ve had in years soaking into prepackaged crispy noodles. It wouldn't have been so bad if the dish my wife had, the Mediterranean Calamari Salad, weren't a fucking religious experience. All the elements were individually amazing, and worked towards a harmonious whole. And the fucking calamari itself; a simple cornmeal dredge that as far as I could tell contained only finely ground cornmeal, but was perfect in every way. The squid was tender. So, so tender. I could weep. I nearly did in the restaurant. It tasted like squid. Fresh, squid flavored squid. So fucking hard to achieve.

AND THAT SMUG ANAL DISCHARGE DID A WHOLE SHOW ABOUT THE CHOW MEIN. YOU DID THIS AMERICA. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

So in sum, Evelyn’s Drive In is one of the best seafood places you can go on the East Shore of the bay. All the food is made with great skill and fresh ingredients, except the noodles in the Chow Mein which suck balls. The seafood is a little pricey, but its based on market rates so I can't fault them too much. Cheaper food can be had nearer the fishing ports on the West Shore but you wont find anyone who cooks them better.

Yogurt Sauce.

A week of intensive and successful culinary epiphany, my children, so let us get right into this. I was basically perusing the episodes of Good Eats that are available on You Tube and thinking on the excess of dried tarragon I happen to own, one thing led to another, and I decided to try out Alton Brown’s Tarragon Yogurt Sauce. It should be noted that the recipe I link there has a major flaw: it lacks the tempering process which is the point of the recipe’s inclusion in The Yogurt Episode (The recipe starts in that episode at 10:43. Description of tempering at 13:50).

As Mr. Brown describes, using plain yogurt in a sauce conveys a lot of advantages: it is creamy, but low fat, so it acts as a replacement for heavy cream, but it also lends an amazing flavor of its own to the right sauces; simultaneously tangy, light, and fresh tasting, kind of the dairy equivalent of celery. The problem with Yogurt is that. since it is basically primordial cheese, any number of things can cause it to curdle. In fact if any of you have ever opened a yogurt and found a layer of water on top of your yogurt, this is part of the process. It is harmless, your yogurt is still good, but if taken to its eventual conclusion the yogurt will turn into a dense mass of protein (the curd) sitting in a poor of cloudy water (whey). Heat makes this process occur rapidly, so any heated yogurt sauce will turn into a mess of cottage cheese with alarming rapidity unless steps are taken to prevent it. In this case, Mr. Brown shows the viewer how to use starch to prevent curdling, but you can also use fat or any number of other chemical intermediaries.

Last Monday I pretty much followed Mr. Brown’s recipe to put over some nice fish. This is one of my favorite fish preparations because it is super quick and utilizes frozen tilapia which is super cheap. I get them individually wrapped in plastic from BJs, which means you can sink them in their wrappings in a bowl of warm water and have them defrosted in less than five minutes. Other than the fish (I used four filets) you will need:

1c Flour
1 tbsp Salt

5-10 grinds Fresh Pepper

3 tbsp Butter

2 tbps capers

First make some pasta, I forgot this step and it was stupid but not the end of the world. Actually I make gnocchi, which is technically a dumpling. Whatever. Your mom was a dumpling.

Once the fish is defrosted, dump the water from the bowl, and unwrap the fish into the bowl. Have 2 cooling racks ready, and start heating a 10-12in pan on the stove over medium high heat. Combine the flour, salt, and pepper on a large plate and swizzle together with a fork, then shake out so the mixture is flat on the plate. Take each filet and lightly cover with the flour, then knock off the excess and place on the first rack. When all the filets are dine, check the pan by placing a drop of water on. If it skittles all over the place it is too hot, if it just sizzles wildly it is ready, if I looks at you, you have to heat it more. Cut the butter into smaller chunks, then toss into the pan when it is ready. When it is melted it should start to foam up. Gently place in the fish, two or three at a time, being careful not to overcrowd the pan. Turn after a minute or two, the bottom should be golden brown, and the thinner parts of the fish will probably be visibly cooked on the uncooked side. I find two forks make a great way to do the turning, though I suppose people who aren’t ghetto as hell have fish turners or whatever. Once the fish are done on both sides, remove to the cooling rack. When all the fish are done place in an oven set to barely be on, just to keep them warm (do not wrap in tin foil, the steam will melt the crust). Turn down the heat and add the capers, gently frying them for a minute or two.

MEANWHILE, during the downtime from the above you should probably have started Mr. Brown’s recipe, sweating the veggies in a saucier over a medium low heat, stirring occasionally. Once the fish is done and you have a minute to think while the capers fry, make the corn starch slurry. When the capers are done, deglaze the fish pan with the rest of the stock. Bring to a boil and scrape down the pan. When the veggies are done sweating, dump the stock into the saucier bodily, in a bold and manly fashion. Now is the time for spicery, so add the pepper, any salt you want, and copious tarragon. Finally, add the slurry. Return to a boil, stirring vigorously. Mr. Brown says to whisk but my only saucier is nonstick, which is pretty stupid, but it’s what I have, so I used a silicone spatula.

Once the sauce has thickened it is time to add the Yogurt. As Mr. Brown says in the episode, but not the recipe, if you dump in all the yogurt it will curdle from the heat before the starch in the sauce can get to it, so you need to temper the yogurt. This essentially means slowly raising the temperature. You could do this with a ton a whisking and a double boiler and tempering is just way easier. So what you do is kill the heat on the sauce and put your yogurt into a bowl. Then using a whisk or spoon or spatula or whatever, take a little of the sauce, put it in the bowl, and stir it into the yogurt. Keep doing this till the temperature of the yogurt has raised significantly, probably 5-7 doses. Then you can dump the yogurt into the saucier and rapidly stir everything together. Now test the temperature, and if you feel it needs to be warmer to serve, feel free to raise the temperature whilst stirring. This made a great dinner, and I had two filets and half the sauce left over, so I had it over noodles with a side of raw broccoli for work for the next two days. Yum!

But then I made an awesome discovery. The key part of this process, the mechanical functional part, is really just using the slurry to thicken and using the tempering process to avoid curdling during the addition of the yogurt. You can flavor your sauce with pretty much anything, and it is stupid fast to make. The following is a midnight slack I threw together.

Half a box of elbow macaroni

3 large white button mushrooms

A handful of frozen spinach

A cup of broth

A tablespoon of cornstarch

Garlic

Salt

Pepper

Cook the pasta

In a small pot roughly chop the mushrooms, toss in the spinach, salt, and pepper. Sweat until the mushrooms have given up their precious juices and the spinach is heated. Make the slurry, and dump the broth into the veggies. Thicken with the slurry, and place the yogurt into a bowl. Temper the yogurt, and when it is warm add the pasta, stir, and then add the whole shebang into the sauce. Heat until you are happy with the temperature, and eat it out of the pot in bed with a wooden spoon like a cave man. 

Chicken soup

I forget now If I’ve done a write up of my chicken soup methodology before, but it has evolved recently and anyway bears repeating. I found myself sick this past week or two and ove the weekend I brewed a soup that knocked the shit out of a nuclear flu. So keep this in your arsenal. It takes a while but it’s a lot of easy stages so its not so bad.

Stock

Get one chicken carcass. I’ve found the best way to do this is to get a rotisserie chicken, as they are ultra cheap, and generally pretty well made. I also save chicken wing tips when I roast my own chicken and freeze them in bags along with the giblets. I think for this one I used a rotisserie carcass, a few wing tips, and a few neck and giblet sets. They go into the pot with like an onion roughly chopped, some garlic, and a liberal amount of salt and pepper. The flavors at this stage aren’t really important. The important thing is that you cover that shit, bring it to a boil, reduce to a low simmer, and then let it cook for like 8 to 12 hours, topping up the water as needed. Drain into a container and discard the bones. You can refrigerate for a few weeks, probably more, and freeze for much longer. This way you can make the stock any time you have chicken, and have it on hand for when you get ill.

If this seems inexact, its cause this stage is really more about chemical components and texture rather than flavor. Certainly quality ingredients never hurt a body even at this stage, but the real point is to extract the gelatin that hides in a body’s connective tissue. Carcasses are full of the stuff because in its unboiled state it is basically an inedible fiber, and because it tends to hide out with other fibers that will never ever boil away. As such the inedible bits we leave on chicken bones are full of the collagen that, when boiled, dissolves into gelatin. You will know this has worked because if you refrigerate your stock it will turn into a solid. If you filled this with vegetables and preserved meats you would have the basis of an aspic. Aspics are pretty gross but soups are not so let us move on quickly.

A Word About Pepper

I am between pepper grinders, by which I mean I had a disposable one and then accidentally bought whole pepper corns without a grinder. Luckily the wife and I had received a magic bullet from her grandmother for our wedding. I had already been using it as a spice grinder, and since the bullets come with shaker covers it made sense to turn to pregrinding my own pepper. This also opened the opportunity for playing with the usual pepper assumptions. After some experimentation I found that dropping three cloves into 3 tablespoons of pepper corns before grinding the whole thing makes a pepper blend that is pretty much the best thing ever. I use that for everything I describe as pepper in this recipe.

Broth and Soup

As Stock requires the infusion of gelatin from boiling bones, Broth requires infusion of flavor, in this case by boiling mean and veggies. Start by dicing a large onion, two stalks of celery, generous quantities of garlic, and a large carrot. Saute in a 16 gt stock pot with salt and pepper intil they start to take some color. Now is time for the meat. I got a pound each flat of drumsticks and thighs. I placed these in the pot with the stock, a package of fresh thyme, and enough water to equal the amount of stock. I brought this to a boil and then simmered until the chicken was done, probably about 20 mins. I then fished out the chicken pieces and let them cool. Once cool shred the chicken meat and discard the bones and skin. Toss into the soup with a cup of brown rice and a few more stalks of celery and a bunch of celery leaves, sliced, and some frozen peas. Simmer until the rice is cooked.

Of the above, the mirpoix of onion, carrot, and celery is all that is really necessary for chicken soup to taste like chicken soup other than the chicken. I always like my chicken soup to be heavy on the celery, thus the late addition of more. It also adds to the freshness. Mushrooms also go well, and pretty much anything you have in the kitchen. You could also add cooked noodles instead of the brown rice and serve without further cooking. Kreplach is traditional in chicken soup amongst my people, so any kind of frozen wonton will work. Go nuts. Have fun. 

Apple Pie

Yesterday I made Apple Pie. This is actually more a review, because I used crust and filling recipes from Good Eats episodes. My mom makes apple pie that will melt your face. her crusts are divine. Mine was alright.

First off the original recipes are here:

Crust:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/no-pan-pear-pie-recipe/index.html

Filling:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/good-eats/super-apple-pie-recipe/index.html

The crust I did basically as is. The Filling I made some serious edits. Firstly I pretty much just had Macintosh apples. I also used corn starch instead of tapioca flour, and bottled lemon instead of fresh lime. Finally for the spicing. I couldn't find grains of paradise, so I used five whole cloves, ten black pepper corns, and probably eight fennel seeds. I ground them up and tossed them in.

My big issue with this was that i followed the baking instructions from the filling, which were a bit over enthusiastic. If you do this I would advise sticking to lower temperatures or shorter times. My other issue was that the crust directions were a bit hard to follow for me. In the show i think it is better explained, and I know most crust recipes are more helpful. my crust came out a bit over cooked. BUT. the reduced juice topping was insanely delicious. it basically formed apple caramel all over the pie. It was awesome. Also my spice load out fucking ruled. normal pie filling is a major psychological event. My pie filling made normal pie filling look like dick cheese.

Chicken Scrapple

Scrapple! What is it? Is it some species of apple? Is it industrial art? Even those who’ve eaten it might not know! Is it meatloaf? Is it sausage? Is it a winged god, riding a chariot of dongs across the very sky? WHO CAN TELL?

Scrapple is a traditional Pennsylvania Dutch dish that combines extreme thrift with high fat cooking, making it very popular in all parts of the country with traditional cooks. Anthropologically it is fascinating, as it is technically a form of polenta, but with a presentation that would make any Italian hemorrhage blood out of their eyeballs. As a flavor experience it has more in common with German sausage dishes, with their numerous spicing configurations and sometimes generous use of fillers, but the inclusion of corn marks the dish as definitively post Colombian exchange, and most evidence indicates it developed ingeniously in the Pennsylvania back country.

Enough Gibba Gabba! I had been researching scrapple and was intent upon making it, but lacked most of the ingredients. You see, traditional scrapple is first and foremost a pork dish, requiring generous quantities of pork organs and bones. I do not have any of those, nor do I know where to find them. BUT I had generous quantities of chicken parts, so I went with what I had. So I present to you: Chicken Scrapple

Two chickens worth of bones

Two bags of chicken giblets

A chicken breast

Water from steamed broccoli

A cup of thyme

Half a head of garlic

Salt and pepper to taste

An onion

Two stalks of celery

A big carrot or two mediums

One or two cloves

A tablespoon of whole cumin

Some Franks Red Hot

2 cup corn meal

At least five cups of stock

Flour

butter

The first step is to make a stock. Get the bones of at least one chicken, I used two, put them in water, and boil/ simmer for like a day. This is easier if you have a crock pot, but you can just use an oven burner if its all you have. Just use a big pot and make sure the bones are floating in a generous quantity of water. There is no need to fill the pot, just make sure the parts are submerged, or could be if they didn’t float. After a day or so, taste the stock. It should kick you in the face like some kind of liquid, chicken version of Chuck Norris. Add salt to taste, but you probably want more than you think you want. As a rule of thumb aim for how commercial chicken broths taste. You are unlikely to actually use as much salt as them, which is a good thing, but salt will bring out flavors. Now is also a good time to add pepper. Once the salt is dissolved, strain out the bones and return the stock to the pot.

I happened to steam some broccoli for a unrelated dish and decided to reuse the water for this stage, but its prolly not necessary. Just make sure you add a bit of water so nothing burns, and then add the chicken organs from the giblet bags of two grocery store birds. Also toss in one chicken breast. Simmer over night.

Get ye a food processor. Add any hard spices you are going to use and powder their asses, the add in the onion, the celery, the carrots, give them a whirl, then fish out the chicken parts from the stock and add them to the food processor. Give that a blend, and then start to think about spicing. I went with what I had and what seemed like it would taste good together and the ingredients above are an approximation based on what I remember, but don’t take it as gospel. Process everything together until it’s kind of a paste, then add 1 cup of corn meal and process again until combine.

Pour the stock into a big bowl and return the pot to the burner. Make sure it’s on the cleanish side. Add one cup of the stock back in, and whisk together with one cup of corn meal until smooth, then put the whisk aside and get a wooden spoon. Turn on the heat to medium, and add two cups of stock, stirring continually. When all is combine, add the meat/corn/spice mixture and stir stir stir. When that is fully incorporated, add two more cups of stock and stir. Keep stiring. Make friends with stirring because you are gonna be doing this for a while. Turn up the heat until you see bubbles breaking the surface while you are still stirring, then reduce the heat to a high medium. You want the bubbles to keep on with the surface and the breaking whilst you stir. And stir. You are gonna be stirring for like 15 minutes. Just when you have ceased to care about this dish you will keep stirring. When you have begun to understand how a person could go through life as an alcoholic necrophiliac it will be time to resume stirring. When you have begun to look fondly upon the entertainment value of Star Trek: The Motion Picture you can take a short break. Ha! No, I’m kidding, your gonna have to keep stirring. When your mind has merged with the cosmos, just like the space baby in the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey, you will be ejected from the overmind so that you can resume stirring.

When the mixture starts to pull away from the side of the pan you are done. Congratulations. All your friends and relatives will have died, but you will be able to feed your grand children some delicious scrapple, though they are going to have to wait a bit longer. Pour the mixture into a loaf pan and allow to cool, then place in the refrigerator over night.

The next day, take the loaf pan and flip it over onto a cutting board. Using your rage at the continued evil of the future, whack the loaf pan until the scrapple drops onto the cutting board. Pour a bit of flour onto a plate, melt some butter in a non-stick frying pan, and slice the scrapple into half inch slices. For each piece drop it into the flour on each side, then tap to remove the excess. Place the scrapple over a medium high heat in the butter for five minutes per side or until golden brown and delicious.

There! You are done. The presentations are numerous, from on a plate with some apple sauce to in a sandwich with sour crème and everything in between. Enjoy it with your remaining descendants and remind them that even in the future it is not polite to have your tentacles on the table, and stop secreting waste at your sister.

Pit Hole

This was something of a collaboration between myself, my mother, and miscommunication. Various things in the house needed to get used up, we never really decided on a singe way to go, so mom started one way and I used what she had started with to reach an acceptable conclusion. This recipie was made for a person who hates black pepper, it’ll probably turn out better in future if you use black pepper instead of red pepper flakes.

Take one onion, a bunch of garlic, some fresh dill, a tomato, a chilli pepper, and put them into a food processor until they resemble something you might think about putting in a meatloaf. Set aside.

Line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil. Take a pound of ground meet and place in the cookie sheet. Push down with your hands so it is a rectangle in the pan, then cover the whole cookie sheet with plastic wrap. Get a rolling pin and roll out the meat so it completely fills the bottom of the cookie sheet in a very very thin layer. Remove the plastic, and sprinkle with salt, garlic and onion powder, and allspice. Now, take the aluminum foil and fold the meat in half, and then use the plastic wrap and rolling pin to even out the meat on one half the cookie sheet. Take a large knife or pizza cutter and divide into six squares. Sprinkle with salt and red pepper flakes.

Preheat a cast iron or stainless steal pan. Spray with olive or canola oil, and then melt a small pat of butter. when the butter has foamed out, start adding your patties, being sure not to overcrowd the pan. Cover, and cook two minutes per side. When all the batches are done, cover and set aside. Meanwhile…

Dice 3 or 4 mushrooms finely and add to the still hot pan with a bit more butter. When the mushrooms start to take on a bit of color add a quarter cup of the veggie mixture and saute. When they veggies have started to take on some color, add about a half cup of rum. Careful of the fire that might happen. Deglaze the pan. Add about a cup of milk. You may want to thicken with some cornstarch or rice flour. If you are thinking ahead make a roux, if not don’t worry about it. Bring to a simmer to let the starches tighten up the sauce, then add a shot of Pernod. Meanwhile…

Make a box of angel hair. Drain and place in a large bowl with some oil, and toss to avoid clumping. Serve the patties over the angel hair, covered with the pan sauce. Meanwhile…

Pour some lemon juice into a small bowl or saucer. Slice and avacado in half and remove the seed thusly.

http://youtu.be/vJB1FlyxN-Y

Take a small brush and coat the exposed flesh with lemon juice. Spoon enough veggies into the pit hole to form a small mound the same shape as the pit that had been in the pit hole.

Pit hole.

Its fun to say. Say pit hole.

Say it out loud.

Are you alone? Cumon. No one cares if you say it. We’re all friends here. Say pit hole. You think you’re better than us? You think we’re all silly, saying pit hole? I don’t know if I can finish this unless you say pit hole. I won’t help someone who thinks they’re better than me. Just do it. You’ll be glad you did. It will make up for that one time you wouldn’t go along with that joke at that party and everyone thought you were kind of boring and you blushed really bad and went back to your room and cried. So go on. Just say Pit Hole and we can all move on.

Anyway, drizzle with your favorite oil, I like toasted sesame oil personally, and a little salt and pepper. Serve with the angel hair stuff and enjoy!

Pit Hole.

cassoulet

2 chicken breasts
1 can white beans
half an onion
1 shallot
2 handfulls baby carrots
2 stalks celery
3 andoie sausage
white wine
apple cider
a cup of rice

cook the rice. heat a pan, sear the chicken breasts, then remove from the pan. place in a different pan with s cup of the wine and cider, then finish cooking in the oven. add the veggies, and sliced sausage and saute. when the veggies start to brown, add the beans with the liquid. add a splash of the cider and the wine. use a spatula to deglaze the pan. simmer until the beans are done. add the liquid from the chicken pan. chop up the chicken and add the the cassolet, and simmer for a bit. plate with the rice.

Mad Skills

mad skills that i stole form Alton Brown

I was inspired by my viewing of his show on poaching. much of this is just cut and paste.

Court Bullion

Mr Brown calls for peppercorns but i left them out because one of the people i was cooking for just really hates black pepper. i also doubled the celery and the garlic because i like them and ours was looking like it needed to get used up. 

• 1 1/2 cups water
• 1/2 cup white wine
• 1 lemon, juiced
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 celery rib, chopped
• 2 garlic clove, chopped finely 
• 4 to 5 sprigs fresh thyme
• 1 bay leaf 

Combine all ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat and simmer for 8 minutes.

Separately, make a roux with 3 tbs of flour and 3 of butter. set aside. Cook some Tortellini and set aside. mine came from a box. so sue me. please dont im poor. 

Poached haddock

3 Haddock filets, cut into strips and sorted by size into big, thick strips and thinner strips
Court Bullion
probe thermometer

bring Bullion to a simmer, gently add filets, a few at a time, such that the big ones are in the pan or the thin ones, not both. leave the probe in the broth, and not the bottom of the pan, cover, and remove from heat. if the broth goes below 140 return to the heat and try to keep it there. allow fish to poach for around 8 minutes for the thicker fillets, around 5 for the thinner ones. after five minutes check the internal temperature of the filets. when they are done remove from the broth. then return the broth to a simmer and repeat the process until all your filets are cooked.

Bastard Burre Blanc

Classic burre blanc uses a ton of butter and some cream to thicken white wine and lemon juice simmered with shallots and garlic. Court bullion is white wine simmered with onions and garlic. I didn't have much butter or any cream, and i really didn't feel like fucking up a new sauce on the fly. So I made that roux from before, and after the fish were done poaching I returned it to a simmer and added the roux. after some whisking, I had a nice think sauce that, while not a burre blac, sure was awesome. as it happened my tortellini had stuck together, so i used the sauce to unstick the tortellini, then poured the whole thing over my fish. it ruled. the sauce needed a little salt which i supplied with parmesean cheese topping. my mom also made a salad with lettuce, walnuts, cucumber, tomatoe, feta, dill, and watercress. we ate goooood.

the sucking hole in your life.

Its been a while and I made a very tasty meal last night so let’s hit this with a big black dildo.

Rose Hip Rum:

1/4lb dried rose hips

1 handle rum

Combine rum and rose hips in an air tight container for several months, store in a dark, room temperature location.

The quality of the rum and the rose hips are key. My attempt wasn’t so successful because I waited a year or two before using the rose hips, and I used low quality clear rum. This would probably work way better with high quality dark rum, and some spices would probably not hurt things. That said, this is super forgiving. The alcohol will destroy any germs that get in, so you really can just leave this in a corner for a while. My attempt isn’t so great to drink but it is great as a cooking additive, and it tastes distinctly of rose.

Garlic Mashed Potatoes:

This was based on Alton brown’s mashed potatoes recipe, but I made substitutions based on what I had in the house. Namely, I had no Cream or milk, but I had a can of coconut milk.

3lb potatoes

1 can coconut milk

6tb minced garlic

Salt

Peel the potatoes and cut into 1 in thick wedges. Place in a large pot and just cover with water. Place on high heat and dissolve enough salt that the water tastes as salty as seawater. Bring to a boil.

In a saucepan combine coconut milk and garlic. I like the pre-minced jars of garlic, mainly because I’m lazy, but they also have a uniquely garlicky flavor. If you wanna peel 6 cloves go for it. Anyway, place on heat and bring to just boiling, then immediately remove from heat and stir.

When the potatoes fall apart when poked with a fork they are done. Do not overcook. Drain and return to pot. Add coconut milk mixture. Mash vigorously. It may seem too liquidy but as you let it sit it will thicken.

Rose Broccoli

Three large heads of broccoli,

1 tb of garlic

1 onion

½ tb of butter

Salt and pepper to taste

Olive oil

¼ lemon

½ cup rose hip rum or other flavorful alcohol.

Wash the broccoli. Separate the florets from the stem. Remove bad parts from stem and slice into 1/4in thick discs. Mince the onion. Heat a pan. Coat the bottom of the pan with olive oil, if you have a spray that is best. When the oil is hot add the onions, salt, pepper, and broccoli stems. Sauté until the onions have started to brown, then add the garlic. When the broccoli stems have just started to brown add the florets and squeeze in the lemon and cover the pan, ideally with a glass lid, and allow to steam 2 minutes. Add the alcohol and de-glaze the pan, then remove from heat, cover, and allow to finish steaming. Contemplate the meaninglessness of existence.

Hamburgers

I like hamburgers rare. The FDA will tell you the only way it is safe to eat them this rare is if you grind your own meat.

Whatever.

1lb hamburger

Salt and pepper to taste

Olive oil spray

Ikea rye crackers

Form hamburger meat into patties three inches in diameter and maybe an inch thick. Sprinkle both sides with salt and pepper.

Heat pan. Spray pan with olive oil. When the oil is hot enough that water sizzles when dripped in, add the hamburgers, gently, one at a time, giving a twist to the burgers just after they hit the pan to ensure they do not stick. When all are in shake the pan to prevent sticking, then allow to cook until the meat has changed from red to gray about a quarter way up the side of the meat. Gently flip the burgers, and give a shake to prevent sticking. Allow graying to come halfway up the side of the meat, then remove from the heat and allow to rest for 5 to 10 minutes.

Get a plate, and spoon on the mashed potatoes and the broccoli. In the remaining space place a rye cracker disc. Place the burger on the disc to soak up juices. Eat the food while whispering my name.

Midnight Snack.

1 Package Lax Najad from Ikea

4 or 5 slices of cucumber

Fresh dill

A few slices of farmer cheese

Rye cracker rounds

Put on a plate, arranged decoratively. Eat it. 

London Broil

I love London broil. I improvised the marinade but this is based on my dad’s recipe.

1 “London Broil”

1 cup oil, preferably olive oil

½ cup vinegar, in this case mostly red wine vinegar with a few shots of some nice ginger infuse vinegar I had

¼ cup soy sauce

As much franks as you like

½ cup some kind of alcohol, preferably strong. I used a mix of vermouth and gin.

The thing with “London Broil” is that it originally described a method of preparation rather than a cut of meat. Things sold as such are often a wide variety of lean steaks. This is important as the preparation requires that you know which way the grain of the meat runs, which can actually be a bit tricky to find. If you can’t figure it out, ask your butcher, but usually it is cut in such a way that it makes it a bit obvious.

Submerge your steak in the marinade, preferably in a sealed bag with the air squeezed out. My dad does this for about 2 hours. I didn’t do the full time, but I think that it is a good idea if you have the time.

While it is marinating, find a broiling pan. This is a pan that is slotted to allow drippings to, well, drip. When the meat is almost done marinating place the pan in the oven and turn on the broiler, with the rack placed relatively high, though maybe not mere inches from the heat.

When the oven has had a few minutes to heat up, get your meat out of the marinade and slap it on the hot broiling pan and sprinkle with pepper and salt. You should leave it in five minutes per side per inch. My meat was about an inch and a half thick and I left it for only 6 minutes per side. It was maybe a little underdone. I like rare meat so I just left it as is, but if you want a nice crispy exterior it’d be better to follow the directions to the letter, in this case more like 7 ½ minutes per side. If you like things extra crispy, try brushing the meat with honey.

Now this is important. First, let the meat rest. Conventional wisdom says ten minutes. It really is key. I left it just five minutes and it made a world of difference; go for the full ten if you can stand it. The second vital thing is the slicing. The cuts sold as London broil tend to be lean and fibrous. By keeping the meat very rare and slicing the meat thinly, perpendicular to the grain, it ensures that the muscle fibers are clipped short, and therefore the meat is tender instead of stringy. The classic London broil is cut at a 45 degree angle to the board. This is not strictly necessary per se. what is necessary is that it be 90 degrees to the grain. Most cuts sold as London Broil are prepared in such a way that the only way to cut perpendicular to the grain is to go for the 45 degree angle, but be aware that this isn’t necessarily the case. Again, if you aren’t sure, ask your butcher, or just experiment, dragging your friends and relatives along for the ride, until you get it right. Like me.

For good slicing equipment is really key. You want a good slicing knife that will cut the fibers without ripping or crushing the meat. I have often found that a good bread knife works very well for this, and Alton Brown swears by electric knives. However I recently discovered a very nice, very care-worn 8in filleting knife in my mom’s kitchen that took an amazingly sharp blade with only a little encouragement from my sharpening steelpenis. I tried it on the meat after getting a bit frustrated with the house’s newest and shittiest bread knife, and was very pleasantly surprised. If you have a good, think filleting knife, and you can get it sharp, the thinness and slicing power will more than make up for the lack of tearing action. This may be a good way to go.

A nicely made and sliced London Broil is ridiculously versatile, and if there are only one or two diners will last you for several days if you incorporate it into wider meals. It is also ridiculously cheap. I paid six bucks for something like a two pound cut, by far the cheapest in the store and it was not for lack of quality. The beef was flavorful and tender when properly prepared.

For this first meal of Broil I ate it with shredded cabbage and lettuce with franks over rice which had been drizzled with toasted sesame oil, salt, and pepper.

Read the next entry for what I did with the leftovers. Wahahahhahaa.  

some kinda pasta...thing

I made this. bitches.

1 1/2in ham steak, cut into 1 1/2 in cubes
1 onion, cut into half centimeter cubes
3 or 4 cloves garlic, depithed and minced
3 leaves radicchio or small cabbage
2 stalks well trimmed celery
1/2 cup dried ditalini
2 tbps olive oil
1/2 tbps butter
pepper, rosemary, sage to taste
1/2 tomatoe diced

cook the pasta, set aside. heat the oil and butter in a bigger pan with a good amount of pepper and the spices. add the onions. when the onions begin to go translucent add the garlic. after a minute or so add the ham and stir in, then let cook for a minute or two on a medium high heat. when the onions start to caramelize, stir for about a minute, then add the red cabbage and the celery. stir until the cabbage is well wilted then stir in the tomatoes and pasta. stir for a minute then serve hot, ideally with fresh grated parmigiana cheese. in a bowl. with a spoon. naked.

leftovers: the reckoning

everyone has their own favorite leftover recipe. undoubtedly most of you are wrong. here's two i did today.

turkey omelet.

when using up leftovers , and even in general, most people favor the white meat. this is an inexplicable, illogical choice. juicy white meat is a thing of joy, but it is as rare as the giant rat of Sumatra. when eating day old turkey the instances of juicy white meat shrink. this is why our glorious french god invented gravy and cranberries. this recipe is a thing you can do with white meat other than wishing it was dark meat.

2 tb turkey fat skimmed from stock, below.
3 eggs, beaten, with some  milk, maybe two tb, season with rosemary, thyme, garlic salt, pepper to taste
1/4 cup broccoli casserole, or a sane amount of gravy, nuked for like 30 seconds. i should probably do the recipe for the casserole first but i didn't cook it.
like a handful of white turkey meat in small chunks, also warmed up a bit.


preheat a big heavy pan, then melt the turkey fat into it. when it has heated to the point where water jumps when you sprinkle it in the pan, add the eggs and turn the heat down to medium. when the eggs start to form the shell, lay the casserole onto a less done part, then sprinkle on the turkey. fold over and let cooking complete, slide onto your plate.

turkey soup.

stock:
half an onion cut up roughly,
6 cloves of garlic
1 stripped turkey carcass
drippings from the turkey not used in gravy or pot pie. maybe like a quart or two, including some veggie stock and some wine.

soup:
half a bag of pearl onions, maybe like 10 or 15
4 white mushrooms
4 crimini mushrooms
a head of garlic
like 2 cups of small chunks of white turkey meat
2 potatoes cut up to half in pieces
the heart of a celery bunch and 2 stalks of celery
2 bay leaves
half a bunch of fresh dill
rosemary, thyme, parsley, pepper
1 c of some kind of small pasta

to make the stock:
strip the carcass. cut up the onion and take the piths out of the garlic. trow into a large pot with the turkey renderings and the carcass, and turn on the heat to high. when it starts to boil fill the pot with water. boil for  a few hours. go watch a movie or something i don't care. when it has reduced by an inch or two, strain off the carcass and the veggies and discard. return the stock to the pot and let cool, then skim off the fat into a container. save and use instead of butter when cooking.

soup, there it is:
peel the pearl onions and the garlic. cut the garlic in half to depith. trow into a big stock pot with maybe a half cup of olive oil and turn on a medium high heat. cut up the mushrooms into sixths, cut the celery into 1cm disks. throw in with the onions etc. stir a lot. throw in the cut up potatoes. start adding the stock. throw in the turkey meat and the spices to taste. cut up the dill and throw that in throw in the rest of the stock and fill the pot with water, simmer until reduced by an inch. taste that shit and see if its good. throw in the pasta. when its done eat it, ideally with a salad because lets be honest, you haven't had anything fresh in days and you are starting to smell of death.

whisking like a mofo

thanksgiving leftovers extraordinaire: turkey pot pie.

reserve 2 cups of drippings, stock, and wine from yesterday.
2 stalks of celery, cut small
2 potatoes, cut medium sized
like 8 smashed garlic cloves
6 mushrooms cut into like 6?
two handfuls of leftover turkey
half an onion
1/4 cup flour, packed
1/4 cup butter
pepper to taste
your favorite pie crust and topping

first make roux.

preheat oven to 425

melt the butter in saucie over a medium heat. when it starts to steam add the flour and start whisking. whisk. WHISK! you will eventually smell the smell you smell when you make kraft mac and cheese. keep whisking and cooking for a while. let the roux start taking on a light brownish color, and start smelling a more nutty flavor. take it off the heat. intermittently keep whisking it while you do all this other stuff to keep the fats and flour together.

basically boil all the veggies in the reserved drippings etc. if you want to do this right, brown the onions and garlic and mushrooms in a pan first but fuck it, im hungry. moving on.

by now the roux should be getting toward room temperature. add a bunch of black pepper to the broth. add the turkey to the broth. turn off the heat, and stir in until the boiling stops. get the roux into the broth using a rubber spatula. stir in until everything tightens.

here's how you should do the crust: seperate.  i cooked everything together. this was an error. still tasty. not a critical one. i was hungry. shut up. you whore.

get your favorite pie crust. put it into a tin or glass pie thingy. poke with fork, or weigh with beans in tin foil. bake for like ten minutes max. when its done, fill with the filling. now top with more crust, or use biscuits. bake until its done, probably ten more minutes.

serve that shit. eat it and love me. LOVE ME FOR THE DELICIOUS FOOD.

thanksgiving food

my wife apparent and i did thanksgiving with her grandmother this year. her grandmother is a classy lady and we collaborated on the food.

turkey

someday soon i will brine a turkey but there wasnt time this year. we just rinsed the turkey and stuffed it and put it on 250 the night before, at like 2:00pm she turned up the heat and pulled it out at 2.30. this worked pretty well but we had to reheat it at like 6  which made the skin a bit tough, but it was still crunchy so i was happy. we must have gotten like two quarts of liquid out of it which was way too much for gravy so we'll be making soup tomorrow. be that as it may, the gravy was amazing.

i based this on alton browns gravy recipe, but he dosen't give these measurements, or many measurements at all. thus my rewrite. one word about wine. when you cook with wine the quality of the wine is important. we used a shitty rose, and it was pretty good, but a nice red would probably have been nicer. the other thing is in alton brown's recipe he uses all the liquid from the turkey. as i noted, there was way too much, so i think very little of the wine ended up in the gravy. when you do it, try to keep the deglaze liquid seperate and then add equal parts deglaze liquid and drippings liquid.

1/3c flour
turkey drippings
1c red wine
2c broth

take turkey out of pan, pour out liquid into a container. let it separate. if you have a fat separator, pour off 1/3c of it. if not let it settle and skim off the same amount. now put the roasting pan back on the stove on medium heat and add wine and stock, then whisk until all the burney bits come loose. add into the drippings, or else put aside. not in the roasting pan or in a sauciee if you have one, add the skimmed fat over medium heat. add the flour slowly until it is all in, and just whisk likek a mofo. let the roux toast a bit until it reaches a color you like, then begin adding the drippings and the deglazing liquid. whisk it in slowly until the gravy is a good consistency. feel free to add salt pepper and herbs, but i thought itr was just a great, turkey bomb in my mouth as is.

carrots. dis grandmother hates carrots, and so does di, so they just basically steam or boil them and serve. i saw room for an improvement. i found this recipe and it was pretty good, though i think it might have been better toasted in the broiler a bit to add some channelization. ftw.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/orange-glazed-carrots/detail.aspx



Ingredients

2 bags carrots
1/4 cup orange juice
3 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons butter
1 pinch salt
Directions

Place carrots in a shallow saucepan, and cover with water. Boil until tender. Drain, and return carrots to pan.
Pour orange juice over carrots, and mix well. Simmer over medium heat for about 5 minutes. Stir in brown sugar, butter, and salt. Heat until butter and sugar melt.

i was put in charge of the sweet potatoes with marshmallows this year, as they didn't do it in previous years.  again, time was pressing, so i shamelessly ripped this off the internet. the only thing i did differently was that i used 2 tbps of eggnog instead of vanilla.

http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1850,146170-245195,00.html

SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE WITH
MARSHMALLOWS
8 average size sweet potatoes
1 tbsp. vanilla
3-5 tbsp. sugar (to taste)
1/2 stick butter
1/4 tsp. cinnamon to taste
1/4 - 1 tsp. nutmeg to taste
1/4 c. orange juice to taste
Marshmallows (lg. or miniature)
Cinnamon sugar (opt.)

Boil (or bake) sweet potatoes until done. Remove peeling from HOT POTATOES and mash well, removing all strings. Add all ingredients but marshmallows and cinnamon sugar; mix well. Spray or grease lightly Pyrex or Corning dish. Put a layer of potatoes, layer of marshmallows until filled. Sprinkle cinnamon sugar for added flavor. Bake about 350 degrees until HOT. Remove from oven and put marshmallows on top. Place again in oven to brown lightly. Serves 10 to 12.

Chicken Pot Pie

I LOVE chicken pot pie. for me it is a prime comfort food. It is pretty simple in principal but has a bunch of steps that can take a while. A key part is the crust. My mom makes the best crust, and I've been meaning to steal her recipe for a while. Yesterday I asked her about it, and it turns out shes been using the recipe from James Beard's American Cookery for years. So here's how I made chicken pot pie. I had a lot of filling left, u can use this as chicken soup base for later meals.

filling

2 tb olive oil

1/4 cup white wine or vermouth

1 chicken carcass (just the bones and skin and cartilage etc.)

2 large chicken breasts, chopped

2 stalks celery with leaves, sliced

1 medium onion, minced

2 shallots, minced

2 carrots, sliced smallish.

1 head broccoli, cut smallish

1 head of garlic, peeled and smashed and sliced.

1 cup flour

crust

2 cups sifted all purpose flour (I didn't have this in the house, I used 1 cup all purpose, and 1 cup bread four.)

1 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup butter

1/2 cup vegetable shortening

aprox 1/4 cup cold water

egg wash (optional)

1 egg

cup water

so start by stripping the carcass and simmering it in a pan or pot. I have this thing from La Crusette and no one can tel me what to call it. is is shallower than a standard stock pot but deeper than a skillet. At any rate it was deep enough for the chicken and mom simmered that thing ion there for like 12 hours. it was good and chicken-y.

So now make the crust. Put the flour and salt in a bowl. I used Kosher salt, and this was an error, though it did make the crust crunchy. Use table salt for this one. fr rilsies. Next blend in the fatts. I did it the fork method, which takes a lot of wrist strength. I used to make short work of this but I was hurting last night. some might suggest since I have been seeing my gal saturday I may not have been exercising my wrist as much. That would be a shameful suggestion. Shameful.

You can also use a pastry blender or two knives. 

After you are done with the blending the particles should be roughly pea sized. now get the water and add it in a little at a time, stirring it in in-between. When you are done the dough will still be crumbly and wafery and not look done. I ended up adding too much water. When you've added all the water, turn the dough out onto wax paper or tin foil and squeeze it together. If it holds together you are done. If not, maybe add some more water.

When the dough is done, divide the ball into two halves. Wrap one up and put it in the fridge. Put the other out onto a clean, floured surface. Flour a rolling pin, and roll the dough in flour. Roll out the dough until it is 1/4 in thick. Grease a pie tin. fold the dough into quarters, then unfold into the pan. A key thing is to not handle the dough too much. Human hand oil is bad for pastry dough. trim down the edges and put with the other dough ball. take some tin foil and place it in the uncooked crust, and then fill it with weights or uncooked black beans or uncooked rice. Preheat the oven to 400, and bake for 15 mins.

Strain the chicken stock into a stock pot and toss the carcass. In the pot you had simmered it, put some olive oil and fry the onions and the shallots until golden, then add the rest of the veggies. When they are starting to look a little cooked add the wine or vermouth. Stir in, then start adding the stock until it is just covering the veggies. Bring it to a simmer and add the chicken. Keep simmering. Add the cup of flour to a cup of water and stir until smooth, then add to the simmering mixture. Simmer for 20 or so minutes. 

By not the Pie crust should be done. Take out the tin foil and weights. Take the unused dough from the fridge and roll it out to 1/4 in thick. Ladle the filling into the cooked crust. As before, fold the uncooked dough into quarters, the unfold on top of the pie. Trim, then smash the edges down with a fork, and poke vents in the top. 

The oven should still be at 400. Place in the pie for 20 mins. Make the egg wash. After the 20 mins are up, brush the top of the pie with the wash, then bake another 10 mins, but check after 5.  

Eat that shit with a spoon.

heaven in my face

This may be the best thing I ever made.

continuing my tradition of cheating, I have shamelessly ripped off Alton brown's excellent guide for searing scallops. you basically cant go wrong. In my defense, it is less a recipe than a very basic guide. see here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/seared-scallops-recipe/index.html
i also kind of riffed on this white wine sauce: http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1655,142187-240198,00.html

This has been one of those meals where I would not change a thing. so fucking good. there may be those who say i used too much butter. fuck you man. taste this then tell me that.

i suppose you could probably use margarine. if you must be a DICK about EVERYTHING. Seriously though, i think the success of this is down to the liberal use of quality butter, a very very nice wine, and the fact that if you served Alton Brown's seared scallops on my fucking dick then it would be the tastiest dick you ever ate.

11 big sea scallops
8ish shrimp? lets say a half pound, maybe a quarter.
brick of butter, i used this awesome butter fromt he local russian food store, i think krowka is the name and masto wiejskie is the russian words for whipped sweet butter.
cup of white wine, i used barklay classic savangion blanc
1 large onion, cut as small as you cam. minced would be good, but dont let me make you take out the food processor if you dont want to. i did cm squares.
4 large mushrooms cut into four slices and then cut in half.
1 zucchini cut into very thin discs then cut in half.
1 lb whole wheat rigatoni
5 scallions cut small.
1 tablespoon olive oil
salt
garlic

steam the shrimp, set aside

boil the pasta in generously salted water, strain and set aside

sear the scallops in 1 tb of the butter and the olive oil, per Alton brown's recipe. set aside, preferably with the shrimp.

in the same pan as the scallops, put in as much garlic as you want and the onions. let them start to take on some color, and throw in the mushrooms and the zucchini. stir fry them a little with a tb of butter, then add the wine when everything has started to wilt a bit. add 2 tb of butter, cover, and let simmer for 15 mins.

put the pasta in a bowl, put the shrimp and scallops in as well. when the sauce finishes simmering, throw it on. stir, and top with the scallions.

drink the wine, put the food in your face, be fucking merry. so goddamn good.

risotto

this is really a part 2 to the meatballs, because i used that broth for this. if you want to make risotto and not meatballs, you can make the broth from yesterday and blanch some chicken and pok in it, and then saute it with the mushroom mixture.

so this is based on a mushroom risotto rescipie by tylor florence. i feel i need to defend myself a bit here because i am feeling guilty. a bunch of the recipies i have used recently have been adaptations of work by others, this one somewhat slavishly. i usually do not work from rescipies, but i have been trying to push my cooking ability, and i have reached a point where doing things so my ideas come together requires learning how to make the food work for me on a chemical level.

risotto is a great case in point. though risottos often contain cheese, that is not really what makes them creamy, since the cheese used is parmesean, which has very low fat content. the creaminess of risotto comes from the starchy outer layers of the aborio rice cooking into the fatty broth. this creates a porridge consistency, much liek that found in oatmeal. for my money risotto ought to be in the poridge family, except it is not boiled in milk and so dosent count. I would say the italians found a way to acheive the porridge effect with less work and much less time.

at any rate, when working with a chemical process preportions become important. when one is very familiar with the components one can usually guess and get the prepotions right, but if one has not done a particular reaction before, instructions are usually a good way to go.

so, my adapted version of the tyler florence mushroom risotto. the origional can be seen here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/mushroom-risotto-recipe/index.html

4 cups broth from meatballs
2-3 leek greens

olive oil
1 onion, diced, seperated into 2 piles
garlic cloves, minced
whatever mushrooms you have on hand
2 bay leaves
dried thyme
dried parsley
2 tablespoons butter
Salt and pepper
2 cups Arborio rice
1/2 cup dry vermouth
1/2 cup grated low fat chedder
4 well bbqed keilbasa

place broth in a pot and put on a medium heat. using a slotted spoon or a skimmer, fish out all the chunks of king oyster mushroom, be sure to drain all the stock back into the pot, put aside. clean the leek greens, rouoghly chop, put into the broth. the rescipie calls for 8 cups broth, we only have 4 left from the meatballs. so addinig the leek greens will help us grow this into 8. simmer, and add 4 cups of water. after ten minutes adjust the salt and pepper.

meanwhile, take the oyster mushroom chunks. cut them down so no chunk is bigger than a centemeter or so.

Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add 1/2 onion and 1 clove garlic, cook, stirring, until translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the oyster mushrooms, herbs and butter. Saute for 3 to 5 minutes until lightly browned, season with salt and pepper. Drizzle in annother tablespoon of oil if it starts to get dry, then add whatever mushrooms you have on hand. i had maybe 1/4 cup of sliced normal mushrooms from the store that needed to get used up. Season again with salt and pepper. Saute 1 minute then remove from heat and set aside.

Coat a saucepan with 2 tablespoons of oil. Saute the remaining 1/2 onion and garlic clove. Add the rice and stir quickly until it is well-coated and opaque, 1 minute. This step cooks the starchy coating and prevents the grains from sticking. Stir in vermouth and cook until it is nearly all evaporated.

Now, with a ladle, add 1 cup of the warm broth and cook, stirring, until the rice has absorbed the liquid. Add the remaining broth, 1 cup at a time. Continue to cook and stir, allowing the rice to absorb each addition of broth before adding more. The risotto should be slightly firm and creamy, not mushy. Transfer the mushrooms to the rice mixture. Stir in Parmesan cheese, cook briefly until melted.
this part will be hard. i have a local pork farmer who has a stand at the local farmers market. he makes the best frikkin keilbasa, it rules on the grill. i had bbqed it up the previous day, but was too full to eat it. i cubed them by cutting them into four strips, then slicing into centemeter cubes such that each peice has some nice, crunchy casings. as the risotto finishes up, toss in the keilbasa chunks.

if the risotto isnt quite done to your liking, you can add more water, a bit at a time, to get the rice more tender.

eat that shit with a spoon, it goes great with some franks.

put my balls in your mouth

so meat balls. there are a dozen ways to do them, i kinda mixed two and it was alright. used alton brown's take on sweedish meatballs as a baseline but i like my balls simmered in a stock to add flavor. i think it worked out ok, but simmered meat needs a sauce because it can dissolve the fats, and the gravy i made from this was just alright. ON THE OTHER HAND, the stock that resulted from this made an awesome risotto. if my lunch break has time i will post both.

so meatballs

ground chicken

ground pork

three king oyster mushrooms

clementines

manishevets blackberry wine

2 slices wheat bread

an onion

1/4 cup milk

• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 egg yokes
• bread crumbs and corn meal
• penis in yo face
• 2 bottles ipa
• some flour
• 
  
• get a big honkin pot
• cut the mushrooms into good bite size chunks and throw them in there with some butter, half the onion, and garlic.
• saute that shit till browning happens. when it does, throw in the beer, squeeze in a few clementines, add a good half cup to a cup of the wine, and top it up with water after it starts to boil. i had a lot of trouble getting a good, flavorful broth here. if id thought about it i probably would have tried to use the ve-gan stock from the other day, but i didnt have leeks in the house, so fuck me. anyway, anything you can think of that would go well, add it. i think this actually worked pretty well at the end of the day. simmer it for a good 20 mins, then add some pepper to taste, and a decent amount of salt. my trick is to keep adding salt until all the flavors start to pop. most stocks go for the seawater rule, but i think thats kind of overkill. leave simmering.
• 
  
• rip up the bread and soak it in the milk
• saute the other half onion till its softish, like the democrats on foreign policy
• in a big fucking bowl put the meats, the onion, the egg yolks, the bread mixture, the spices, then mix that shit together. if you have a stand mixer, now would be a good time to bring that out. if not, use a spoon, or get in there with your hands. just up to your elbows in fucking meat.
• 
  
• when everything is mixed well, its time to cook this shit. be sure you have a slotted spoon or frying skimmer handy.
• form the balls into like two inch rounds. you can make them smaller, but this is what i did. as each ball is formed, just gently float it into the stock. when it starts to get a bit crowded in the pot, stop making balls, and wait like five minutes.
• 
  
• here is where i ran into real trouble.
• my balls were still a bit raw when i first pulled them out, so i put them on a cookie sheet. i had to do a few batches to fill the cookie sheet, by which time the first batch had finished cooking internally whilst resting. still, i didn't really have a sauce prepared, so i decided to roast them a bit to get some gravy. this is kind of ass backwards in retrospect. really what i did was roast out he juice from the balls, make them into a sauce, and put them back on top. this is silly. fucking silly. just plain dumb. i should have just made a separate sauce. alas.
• 
  
• so once i had them on the pan, i sprinkled them with the breadcrumbs and corn meal, then roaste them for maybe five minutes under the broiler. pulled them out, transferred the balls to a plate, put the pan on the stove, and opened a beer. using a ladle i splashed some of the broth into the pan, and then a little manichevetz and maybe a quarter cup of my beer. the rest i drank.
• 
  
• using a spatula i deglazed the pan, then i added some pepper, and started sprinkling flower in. gravy is basically a roux, and like with roux you need to let the mixture toast to get rid of the bready flavor. so just let it simmer a bit until it cooks down to a thick paste, but keep it moving with a spatula so it dosent stick. when it starts to stick and/ or changes color, add more broth. then let it cook down a bit, then add more broth, keep doing this till you have a fair amount of gravy at a good consistency. put in a bowl. drink it with a straw.
• 
  
• so that's quite a bit actually! I'll talk about he risotto tommorow.

meatloaf!

meatloaf. when it is not done well and you are not in the mood meatloaf can be completely gross. when well made and you want it, then you fucking WANT IT. SEX JOKE OF SOME KIND.

this is vaguely based on something I saw on Diners Drive Ins and Dives. but not very well. I used a blend of pork, turkey, and beef for this. Basically cos i saw it on the show. This has advantages, but means you cannot have it rare in the center, which is the preference of my special lady friend. personally I had never seen rare meatloaf before, so take that for what its worth.

cooking the way i am going to describe has the advantage of a great, all around crust, lots of drippings for gravy, but will dry out the meat. so this is good for great sandwich meatloaf, but if you are in the mood for classic meatloaf maybe stick to a loaf pan.

1 package each of ground beef, turkey, pork.
1 onion
garlic
4-5 mushrooms
1-2 carrots
celery with a lot of leafy bits
breadcrumbs
cornmeal
worchestershire sauce
honey
1 bottle IPA (thanks rob)
flour
1 egg

so clean the veggies, and toss them in the food processor and cut the shit out of them. toss them in a big mixing bowl with the meat and the egg. alton brown advises not squeezing the meat, but i didnt see that eppisode yet so i dont know why. i tried to just carefully fold everything together. if you have a stand mixer this will be easier. I do not own one.

*weeps in the corner*

mix equal parts bread crumbs, corn meal, and salt and pepper to taste.

when well blended, place meat into a loaf pan, coat the top with the breadcrumb mixture. then turn out onto a cookie sheet that has been nonsticked in some way. I was advised to use parchment, which worked on in terms of nonsticking the meat, but then i had this big peice of parchement floating in my gravy drippins. no im not in love with it, but i havent tried oiling yet so i cant attest to how well it works.

oh you should probably preheat to 350 or so.

anyway, i ended up not being able to get all my meat in the loaf pan, so after i turned it out i packed the leavings towards one end then tried to kind of cinch it onto the main loaf. this didnt work overly well.

once the loaf is on the pan, sprinkle the breadcrumbs all over the loaf. tilt the pan to get it on the sides if you need to, but try not to roll the loaf. it should be fine. once it is coated, drizzle the top with whorcestershire sauce and honey. the more honey you use the more carmelization you'll get, so dont be shy.

my rescipie said to bake for an hour, but i had to do an hour and a half or so. cince this has poultry in it, you'll want the internal temp to reach 160. if you have a reliable probe thermometer, use that. mine was kind of crap. I may have left it in too long since i was not pleased with my thermometers. if you are pretty sure it is at 160 you can maybe pull it out and let it rest, since the internal temp will continue to rise and finish cooking any remaining pinkness. this might avoid drying it out.

once it is out, move the loaf to a serving diosh and let it rest. take your baking sheet to the stove. if you have two burners that can be joined use them, this is where they shine. put the pan on the stove top, add flour a bit at a time to thicken the gravy. when it starts all sizzling like a pancake, let it toast a bit, then add the beer. i like peppery gravy, the time for that is now.

serve to your family, or eat it alone and muse on the fact that you made enough food to feed a somali villiage for a month.

how fun is this posting two days in a row shit? firewall is down at work, so i can do this now. sweeet.

tomatoless veggie broth

Back when my fiance friday was one of them vee-gans i would have problems when I made soup. My problem was that both of us love soup, so I liked making it, but the veggie stocks on the market were unacceptable for most recipes. It wasn't really a flavor issue, in most recipes chicken stock and veggie stock are basically equivalent since all you really want from stock is richness and salt content, and usually just the salt. the issue was that most commercial stocks use tomatoes as a shortcut to flavor.

Now, I like tomatoes, and I even like tomato soup, but I do not like tomato in everything and my way hetero lady-friend is allergic to cooked tomatoes. Even were she not, the tang of tomato is no replacement for the richness of chicken. This ubiquitous use of the reddest member of the nightshade family kind of makes me want to go on a rant about the homogenization of american culture. there are many, many good veggies out there. none are available as the base of a stock. could i get a mushroom stock up in here maybe? or celery! celery is nice, and it is in fact what differentiates boiled chicken water from chicken soup (along with salt and your mother's love, which they bottle now). So i set out to create a good, veg-an stock that wouldn't taste like a lemon or kill anyone I am fond of.

I failed pretty badly.

again, not because there aren't great veggies out there! but concocting a perfect stock from numerous ingredients is very tricky. I had a couple minor successes but nothing that was perfect or even got near that term, until this weekend.

Yes this weekend, after years of effort, I stumbled on the perfect veggie stock, completely by mistake, as a side dish, and whilst barely paying attention. I also fucked up the dish it went into for other reasons, so that was fun. also? My wife-of-the-future is no longer fueled only by vegetables, and has been enjoying real chicken stock for several years now quite happily. so fuck.

anyway, here it is. it is absurdly simple, just go easy on the pepper.

the green parts of 2 leeks

3-4 cabbage leaves

handful or so of spinach

a bunch of water?

salt and pepper to taste

getcha self a big old pot (not like a stock pot. pasta pot? a big one) and fill with water. toss in the leeks and simmer for a half hour or so. cut up the cabbage to bite size pieces, throw that in there. simmer for fifteen or so. throw in the spinach. simmer a bit. be generous with the salt if you are going to use this to flavor other things. be careful with the pepper. i kind of overdid it.

and that's about it. for a richer broth, brown the cabbage and an onion in a few tablespoons of butter, if you don't mind dairy. As you enjoy the broth, contemplate the HOURS. you spent building the broth for that vegan matzo ball soup that FAILED.

FAILED.