Evelyn’s Drive In

Evelyn’s Drive In is a wonderful local favorite in Tiverton, RI. If you've never been to Tiverton, you are not alone. The only reason to go to Tiverton is to get to Newport from Boston, or to go to even more obscure towns to the south. The little lady and I happened to be passing through on the way to Little Compton, a town whose main attraction is some lovely sea shore and the fact that it is called Little Compton.
As we passed Evelyn’s we saw all the key signs of an amazing local institution: tiny, ramshackle building, sprawling outdoor seating areas, right by the water, and with a massive, clearly local clientele. In some other entry I will come back to this list, because people seem unclear, but for now let’s focus on Evelyn’s in particular. As we swung by I said “that’s a place to go” and the wife agreed, but as we had just eaten we drove on.

Little Compton is a charming little place in a state full of charming little places. The seaside views are spectacular, completely breathtaking, but as it has a population of only 3,492 and no tourist industry to speak of it lacks certain amenities. As far as we could tell the only restaurant was a single pizza place in the town center. The pizza place looked fine, but we came to the sea to get seafood, and since it seemed a 50/50 shot that such an establishment would be closed at 7:30 on a Saturday in Little Compton, our minds were drawn inevitably back to the siren call of that drive in by the bay that we had passed in Tiverton. We Embarked. 

Everything about Evelyn’s was as expected. A polite and numerous waitstaff, a local clientele that had filled the place to capacity on our first drive by but had died back by 8, and a focus on seafood. As we began to peruse our menus I noted with some growing discomfort, however, a general gloss about the place, as if a few years previously someone had done the place up for a mass market. The food seemed solid, simple, seaside fare, so we ordered a round of clam cakes and fried pickles spent some time wrestling with our options. Then I saw him.

There he was, on the bottom of the menu. His puffy face, spikey hair, stupid, vacant, good time grin. We had stumbled into a restaurant featured by Guy FUCKING Fieri on Diners Drive Ins and Dives.
My relationship with this show is…complex. I love greasy spoons. Obviously, I have a whole system for recognizing good ones of various types. And here is a show whose whole basis is recognizing and celebrating such establishments! Not corporate bullshit ones either, and if some hipster venues make it in by far the favorites are the family run places with history. I love the concept, I love the restaurants chosen, and I will even say I love the show. If you've gotten me drunk first.

Buy Guy Fieri is a fucking joke and he knows it. Nothing about his persona is genuine and everything about it is fucking annoying. Whats worse is everyone knows it, and somehow, in our fucking twisted, Kardasian focused world, a food network celebrity whose only personality trait is that they want to make you stab yourself is a person everyone wants fucking more of. He’s been so successful that the Food Network has given him multiple show, each more vapid than the last, and fired his producers, the ones who had actually started the show and selected the restaurants, in order to bring in new producers who would go along with Fieri’s vision of refocusing the show on how much of his own cock he can cram into his own throat. I hear next season is going to feature a story arc where he goes on a quest to nibble his own taint.

So I see his fucking dipshit grin on the menu and the episode immediately floods into my skull like a bunch of tourists onto a hitherto secluded beach. The focus of the episode was a dish called American Chow Mein. And there it was, right on the fucking menu. Staring at me like a dead bird.

The description of this dish is “Brown gravy on top of crunchy noodles.” You can get it with beef, chicken, or lobster. I was…dubious. But then the clam cakes came. If you’ve never had fresh New England Clam Cakes, ideally from a road side shack, you need to. They are kind of like hushpuppies, but with less corn and more clams. Simply put they are a slice of heaven if you like seafood at all, and these were some of the best I have had. The exterior was crunchy and salty and the interior was luscious and sweet, but with a good clam flavor, whispering in the background, like a beautiful girl upon whose luscious bosom you find yourself resting your head as she gently caresses your hair. They come with tartar sauce, which is a very good tartar sauce, and there is a nice malt vinegar on the table. Both are nice, but it’s almost like putting leather seats in a strip club. Who cares about the seats. I’m here for hot clams. I should also note that the pickles were amazing. Probably the best I've had.

So I am in a good mood. Maybe old spikehead is on to something. After all the American Chow Mein and Chop Suey phenomenon is a part of 50s American culture, the very period that gave rise to establishments like Evelyn’s. Maybe they were doing their part in preserving a lost piece of Americana. Not that Dick Furry discussed that at all. Anyway the good stuff was maybe a bit pricey, and anyway the wife was going to get something else. It was my duty as a curious eater to try, to see what lies down this rabbit hole and report back to the letcherous pederast who sent me down.
“I Will!” I said to the waitress, “I will follow the white rabbit of the food network down to the wonderland that is American Chow Mein.” She made a face, and asked what kind I wanted.
“What do you recommend?” I replied, somewhat worried by her expression.
“I don’t really like it my…well he had- I mean when Guy Fieri came he had the Lobster. There is also beef and chicken.” I knew I was in for an experience. I ordered the beef, as it was half the price of the lobster and I am a cheap, cheap man. Also the concept of Lobster in a brown gravy seemed to be taking an already odd dish to absurd extremes. Though in retrospect if I was making Alice in Wonderland analogies to justify my food choices more weird was probably not a deal breaker.

When it came out it was everything the menu advertised. Chunks of cube stake perched proudly top pieces of onion and celery in a brown sauce that was actively sinking into crispy noodles. Yes, those crispy noodles, the tiny, thin, fried noodles you get while you are waiting for your food at middle of the road Chinese restaurants. The ones the cheap ones stopped handing out ten years ago and the good ones wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, preferring those wonderful, wide, flaky ones with lots of bubbles.

It was an experience. These foods are a key part of Americana lost, and Evelyn’s probably does as fine a job as any you will ever find. The gravy is amazing; it tastes strongly of the onions and the celery, but with a good beef flavor; a bold, vegetable/beef experience. The cube stake is juicy and tender, but is not falling apart and has a good beef flavor.

But the dish sucks. There’s a reason these things went away, and it is because they gave me a massive bowl of the best gravy I’ve had in years soaking into prepackaged crispy noodles. It wouldn't have been so bad if the dish my wife had, the Mediterranean Calamari Salad, weren't a fucking religious experience. All the elements were individually amazing, and worked towards a harmonious whole. And the fucking calamari itself; a simple cornmeal dredge that as far as I could tell contained only finely ground cornmeal, but was perfect in every way. The squid was tender. So, so tender. I could weep. I nearly did in the restaurant. It tasted like squid. Fresh, squid flavored squid. So fucking hard to achieve.

AND THAT SMUG ANAL DISCHARGE DID A WHOLE SHOW ABOUT THE CHOW MEIN. YOU DID THIS AMERICA. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

So in sum, Evelyn’s Drive In is one of the best seafood places you can go on the East Shore of the bay. All the food is made with great skill and fresh ingredients, except the noodles in the Chow Mein which suck balls. The seafood is a little pricey, but its based on market rates so I can't fault them too much. Cheaper food can be had nearer the fishing ports on the West Shore but you wont find anyone who cooks them better.